倾向

Godfather说，每个人都有自己的ought to be的命运，他认识到他的命运就是成为Don，最后他也成为了Don。为什么呢？我发现每个人的身上都有一些倾向，所谓性格决定命运，大概有差不多的意思。

就像发条鸟编年记里面的中村（？）中尉说的一样，命运不是那种可以提前知道的东西，而应该是回头看的东西。也就是说命运从某种意义上说，只能从倾向这种东西里面看出一点端倪，但还是无法得到全貌的，当然，我也不希望看到别人的命运，因为正是命运的不可知才让今天的生活充满了可能性。

今天跟笨笨聊天的时候，也提到自己身上有种非现实性的倾向，就是有的时候身边的反而不在乎，而在乎一些得不到的东西。有人可能说很多人都是这样吧，得不到的才是最好的。我也承认有这样的因素，但是我的非现实性倾向并不只是得不到的是最好的，即使我理性知道结果，也明白到底是怎么回事，还是会不由的自己控制不了自己。Mmabs说我不能这样，游戏不是这样玩的。。。

What I got to do to make you love me??

听着Ray Charles的近似哭泣的声音,听着他的唱完第一句What I got to do to make you love me?之后的一声ar?,心中无限的悲泣起来...我到底怎么样才能让你爱上我呢?我怎么做才能让你在乎?当闪电击中我的时候我该怎么做呢?而我早上起来的时候你又不在我的身边?我怎么做才能让你需要我?我怎么做你才愿意倾听呢?当一切都结束的时候我该说什么呢?Sorry看起来是那么的困难...实在是太令人伤心了...这个时候只有Malbro和Corona陪着我...


Sorry seems to be the hardest word

What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?
What I got to go to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
It's sad so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.
What do I do to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.
Yeh. Sorry
What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Do I ever cross your mind?

Do I Ever Cross Your Mind
Ray Charles Featuring: Bonnie Raitt

Oh, sometimes I go walking through fields where we walked
Long ago in the sweet used to be
And the flowers still grow, but they don't smell as sweet
As they did when you picked them for me

And when I think of you and the love we once knew
How I wish we could go back in time
Do you ever think back on old memories like that
Or do I ever cross your mind

Do you ever wake up lonely in the middle of the night
Because you miss me, do you darling
Oh, and do your memories ever take
You back into another place in time
And do you ever miss the feelings
And the love we shared when you were with me, tell me darling
Or do I ever cross your mind

Oh, how often I wish that again I could kiss
Your sweet lips like I did long ago
And how often I long for those two loving arms
That once held me so gentle and close

And when I think of you and the love we once knew
How I wish we could go back in time
Do you ever think back on old memories like that
Or do I ever cross your mind

Just try to upload the picture I took in Hignland mountain. I love the clouds of Scotland. 

Glad

Finally someboyd replied it...LOL...

Just found another edition of Creep by G4, another style...

The weirdest dream

今天早上实在起的太早,下午做完group work回来赶紧睡了一下...但是做了一个最最奇怪的梦,非常的真实而且加上后现代结构主义的元素.主要人物妈妈,我,还有很多日本人.光听出场人物就够奇怪了吧?

梦里面爸爸死了两次,第一次我没有当真,好像还开玩笑还是怎么样,现在已经忘记到底是死了还是病的很重了,但是自己当时并没有很认真的对待.第二次,我好像人并不在家里,和第一次出事大概也就隔了一个星期左右,有一天我干刚想给家里打个电话,觉得妈妈讲话有点不对劲,我问是不是出什么事情了?她否认,但是我马上就觉得肯定出事情了,就赶快往家里赶.一回来发现家里果然出事了,都是人.然后很多乱七八糟的人开始你一言我一语的跟我讲周中发生的事情,因为我赶到家里的时候是星期五.大概好像就是我爸爸在周中去世了,但是我妈妈坚持不要告诉我.我周中还打过一次电话,但是被妈妈混过去了.至于为什么不让我知道我爸爸去世的原因并没有确切人确切的知道,他们说可能是我爸爸告诉我妈妈要她不要告诉我的,有的人也说不是.Anyway,我因为我妈妈没有告诉我我爸爸去世的消息而非常的生气,开始拒绝和妈妈讲话,然后开始狂哭,真的是狂哭,到现在还有哭过的感觉.然后不知道为什么旁边坐了很多日本的朋友,然后我要求他们帮我告我妈妈,他们开始拿出乱七八糟的科技的联系工具帮我联系日本的律师,我也不知道为什么要找日本的律师,我连日语都不懂.下个场景就成了日本,我在日本的大街上,一无所有.但是很多人都很好,说:在这个国家,穷没有什么.我住在一个似乎还在施工的房间里面,和一些现在这里的中国人一起.这些人也很奇怪,一个女孩现实生活中有个法国的男朋友的,住到我现在隔壁的男孩的房间里面.一个在国内有男朋友的女孩也和另外一个人好上了,但是那个人和这个女孩的国内的男朋友竟然还是好朋友....呼...乱七八糟,大概情况就是这样,我现在也只能记住这么多了.似乎梦境正在我的大脑皮层里迅速的脱离,如果再晚五分钟就大概全忘记了吧?

为什么会做这个奇怪的梦呢?还在梦里和妈妈反目了.大概心中还是还是多少责怪当年我在黄冈的时候父母没有把爸爸的病告诉我吧?我始终觉得是没有和家里人一起共度难关的感觉,始终觉得欠父母一份情.但是也多少对父母有责怪的意思,不应该把这些消息背着我,类似被背叛了的感觉,尽管我完全的能理解他们的做法的苦衷.现在父亲已经不在了,这是第二次做梦梦到和爸爸有关的梦,上一次他自己出现了,似乎在和他吵架还是怎么样.这次是和妈妈反目,呵呵.不过所谓梦是反的,希望下次能见到爸爸.上次做梦梦到爸爸,自己的手被爸爸的手握的踏踏实实的感觉现在还留在手心.父亲就是一堵墙,现在父亲不在了,只有我能做这堵墙了.无限怀念+鄙视当年自己小的时候完全不用自己奋斗的舒适和不长进.呵呵.所以说造化弄人啊....

A pot says the caldron is black

很有意思的一个说法,相当于国内的五十步笑100步. 根据Mmabs的解释,她说想象炉子上有个水壶还有个锅子,当然是很久以前的时候了,还是生明火的时候,炉子和锅肯定都是黑色的,还笑对方.好像还有一些说别人先把自己屁股擦干净的感觉..起因是我说我明天要交文献综述的一个草稿,但是还没有怎么写.Mmabs就在旁边大笑,说你也有今天,你老是笑我论文总拖到deadline的头一天交,现在是pot says the caldron is black了吧?^_^!

发现自己

每次被人问道你是谁的时候都有无从回答起的感觉,比如在网上碰见一个出现在你的contract里面的,他/她问你,你是谁啊?我总是哑口无言...我到底是谁呢?怎样才能准确的描述自己呢?男人?不错啊,学生?也对啊..但是一个男学生在世界上怎么也有几亿吧?到底怎么描述自己才让别人能理解自己是怎么样的一种存在呢?或者根本就没有这种办法呢?呵呵...

I'm a creep

Listened to the song Creep by Radiohead....
Keep thinking about it and myself, walking outside for half a hour and sitting on a chair by the roadside outside the community library...Kind of blue, down, but I know I'll survive and have to survive anyway...
The song is about the girl who running out the door, and the man feels himself is a creep and wiredo...No comment, manybe have to feel the situation and feel urself.

I'm a creep, I'm a wiredo, what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here...

Creep
by Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special
And I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special...
You're so very special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.